Sleep Hard

You can tell from the imprint on the bed 

that it was a hard sleep.

That, and the fire alarm tests 

that didn't wake you.

That, and the images of your mother's face

distraught and tired

that seemed so real 

you asked for her when your eyes opened.

and I didn't know what to do. 

On a binge up the vertebrae, 

barebacked you curved back to the bare necesseities.

And I relax and say

'baby it's okay, drink some sunlight, 

keep the cold away."

But me I'm swallowing ice burgs,

and I can't take it any more,

just so you don't ever have to find out

how bad it really is. 

Believe me 

I'd rather

you curve your sweet hands around my jagged ice and carve

sculptures so beautiful people would think they're made of diamond

reflecting spectrums of color off of every splinter of light

even when the sun's not out.

I'd rather your hot breath gave this ice something to melt about. 

And eventually it could really be 

just the small fragment everyone sees

breaking the surface. 

And then the catastrophe that is us would be worth it. 

The energy I've spent,

the days that came and went

--I think about you in my sleep 

so I feel like

all my energy is designated 

to be spent on you. I

need to explain that to my malnourished logic

and my unkempt boundary lines

the ones we ran to

the ones I let get so cluttered with your feel-goods I can't even see where 

we crossed. 

Because see every time I let you guide my hand

I feel a little more lost.

I wish that instead, we touched each other's skeletons.

And understanding could be found in response

to feeling up the bones in your closet,

and discovering the confessions etched into their surfaces. 

Secrets celebrated, because everything should be.

I was on a binge up the vertebrae,

a spinal cord that curved around the climax 

and slid me down to the ground safely. 

But just as steadily held on to every other possible ending

even as it chose one.

I feel like everything I could ever mean to anyone is summarized in the product they mold from the materials I gave them.

There I was, fluid as water, 

watching you watch me freeze 

while I still remained on my knees

but now to beg you to carve me pretty.

I wasn't scared I'd shatter I was just scared you'd leave

And that was where I was truly mistaken

above all the other angel faced promises we were breaking.

Above the building-up, above the giving in.

But see fear is what is proof of the connection between your body and your sins. 

Sex is actually the proof of the connection between your body and your spirit.

And love, love is a compliment you realize was backhanded years down the road 

a pre-mature I told you so

for your bell boy

here to collect your baggage.

So I can rest easy that we only have this 

Even when your hand is so merciless, 

the way it dictates 

the door. 

Causing the one shaft of light I bet on

to quietly implode. 

Leaving me in shades of blue I mixed 

attempting to make black.

Chanting in lullabies to prevent the scars 

You'll be back, you'll be back

And tonight you'll sleep hard.